6/15/22
Sitting calmly at a computer.
Living in an apartment with my girlfriend.
Wanting to be an impressively noteworthy person that people pay attention to.
Eating healthy, getting fit, being a good partner, a kind human, authentically relating, meditation, flow arts, attachment theory, parts theory, leaning into entrepreneurship.
Am I a good human yet? Do you all love me and enjoy spending time with me?
I’m sure that everyone will rave about my existence soon if I just keep pushing.
I just have to be the right kind of human.
If I could just hold my handstands a few seconds longer, I’d attract way more friends.
Another story is that I’m actually so fascinated with my own capabilities. So enthralled with what my mind and body can do, I might still be doing these things if I was the last person on earth. I’m definitely the most interesting thing that exists to me, so it’s hard to know which activities are to grab others’ attention or just my own.
Either way, whether it’s the world outside of me or the world inside, there are beings and personalities that I’m desperately trying to please so that they’ll like me, be kind to me, and give me love and positive attention.
Improving feels good and fun, but other times it feels dire/serious. Can I still love myself in the process of progressing?
The goals are games to be played joyfully (or not so joyfully if that’s the intention), but right here before we even begin is where I love you.
Love is always here for myself, but I’m also a human that wants to be seen, heard, accepted, and appreciated by others, and I’ve seen what can happen to the humans that don’t create the “right” kind of life. Left out, avoided. Lack of affection, community, safety, and appreciation.
I have to move. I have to go become the person that attracts all the good things.
I could meditate in an ashram for the rest of my life and feel extreme contentment if I want. I’ve done it before for short periods and know firsthand the unimaginable contentment when I do it. Worries are gone, and it feels like nothing is really missing from my life. Yet, somehow, I want the dramatic play. I want the growth of stress and the messy human experience that I can relate to others with. Don’t give me the end game. I want all the side quests.
I notice tension in myself. I have some doubt that those last words came from my Self. Some part of me strongly believes that life is just an infinite loop that I have very little control over, and just have to explore all the ways to best cope with a never-ending existence that has no inherent meaning.
I don’t know if any of that story is true, but I’m sure it’s a belief that deeply shapes my thoughts and emotions on a regular basis.
Whether it’s the truth or not, what feels the most real for me is that we all experience struggle on a much deeper level than anyone else or even ourselves are aware of.
Existence is the most joyful and magical experience in town, and also the scariest and most overwhelming.
The whole spectrum of emotions is deep in the structural blueprint of life as a human. Even if they’re possible to overcome on the surface, they’re all still down there with the potential to rise up, which doesn’t go away. They’re in you, and they’re likely manifesting heavily for all of us reading this.
The realization I have over and over is to just be kind to my fellow beings. Speaking openly and vulnerably about myself is when I find the most connection and resonance with others. I’m a selfish personality, and that’s beautiful. I want things for myself, and need certain things for my well-being, and when I’m full, I can give my best self to others and have the most impact on them and me.
I’m running out of things to say for now, and it feels like I’m starting to preach or come up with the “right” kind of ending to this blog.
Sooooo……
Bye!
Expression H 