Bedtime Struggles

I seem to be getting bigger and more sluggish and stiff. Slightly more disgusted with my actions and their consequences. stiff, stiff, stiff, fat, round, boring, wasted, useless, not useless, but much less useful. I’ll make it through like I always do. Things seem to be getting better and worse at the same time; more simple yet more complicated at the same time. I don’t really know what’s driving me anymore. Maybe the avoidance of pain and being miserable. It hardly seems to be working. I have ideals but they’re paper thin it seems like. How do I be perfectly inline 24 hours a day? It seems very unrealistic, yet if I faulter for just a moment, I’m back in a downward spiral that feels like a catastrophe I might not bounce back from. So much effort to be in alignment, so easy to be out. a few hours of being off track seems to be equivalent to about 3 days worth of efforting for balance. I don’t believe that. eating poison before bed has now become a ritual. I’ve gotta get outta of this place. It feels like I’m always running. It doesn’t feel like I’m always running. I think at least half the hours of my days recently have been extremely pleasant. I only think and express the desperate parts of myself right now because that’s what I’ve allowed myself to be in in this moment. I have a really pleasant life; except when it isn’t. I have very strong willpower; except when I don’t. I get to choose. It’s kinda cool, it kinda sucks. The first half of my day is me so grateful to be alive and the last half is me not wanting to have much to do with Life at all. The only thing that matters is what I pretend matters. Nothing lasts forever. This too is changing. Everything is changing. I have so many maturing years ahead. Right now is tough, soon it will be easy, then it will be tough again. Just pounding out all the little kinks, shaving all the rough edges, releasing all the inner and outer obstructions until, hopefully, there is smooth, steady equilibrium. And if there isn’t, maybe I’ll get it next lifetime, or maybe I’ll never get it. Perhaps my whole existence will be rough and somewhat miserable which I’ll never escape from for an eternity. It doesn’t seem that bad. It doesn’t seem that good. But I’ve always prefered neutral anyways. Though, honestly, it doesn’t really even seem like neutral because I still feel caught in the net, attached to one polarity or the other. Growth never ends. I imagine I’ll be on this ride forever into eternity and beyond. Tomorrow I’ll be grateful for that, but right now it’s “fuck off”.