6/18/22
6 pm
My energy and attention are frantic in this moment.
Wanting to write this post while also eating a hyper-stimulating salad that I just want to shove in my mouth and a cat that is meowing and crawling all over me for attention.
I work tomorrow, which always makes me feel anxious about time and how I never have enough to do all the things I want and also have time to relax.
At the same time, I’m getting messages from one of the main organizers of The Woodstock Fruit Festival asking me about food logistics because I’m going to be a team manager at the festival.
I don’t want to look at them yet.
I’ve been trying to eat as raw as possible since the start of June. I had 3 days at the beginning of the month that I had some cooked food, but the rest of the month has been going well until last night.
Kayla and I went out to a restaurant for alcoholic drinks, and then we ended up ordering french fries. Then we got up early with not much sleep to go kayaking with some friends, which was a really beautiful time, but I definitely felt rough getting up this morning. Kayla wanted coffee, so ended up getting a matcha latte, which right away in the morning broke the raw food commitment for that day, and when that happens, my brain says, “well since we already had junk today, we may as well continue consuming more junk and just start over tomorrow.” So I also ate some of the things my friends were snacking on, like chocolate, Oreos, carrots with vegan ranch, and overnight oats.
Even though I feel like I’m trashing my body a bit, the day was really nice, and floating down the river was serene and reminded me of how much I need those beautiful nature experiences. My physical heart felt so peaceful, which usually hasn’t been the case in the last year and a half.
I had my first and only Ayahuasca ceremony a little over a year ago, which was the most traumatic experience of my life, and I believe that I likely had a heart attack during the trip because I’ve been experiencing what seem to be post-heart attack symptoms in my heart and down my left arm to my fingertips after the ceremony. It’s healed a lot since it happened, and right now it’s the most normal that it’s felt since then, but I still notice the weakness sometimes, especially when I ingest stimulants like caffeine or other psychedelics like mushrooms or LSD.
Being on the river, I thought about how I want to have these kinds of experiences with a child of mine if I ever have one. Most of us that are uninspired and caught in the rat race really could just use more awe-filled moments in nature.
Before heading out to the river, I contemplated whether I might feel like I could spend my time better by studying more about becoming a life coach, keeping up with my workouts, or anything that sounds more productive the just floating on some water, but actually, floating on that water with people I love was so precious, and those are the kinds of experiences I want out of life. I’m mostly trying to be productive so that I can do more of what I did today, and today was such a magical reminder of that.
It’s also the kind of activity that helps me feel like I’m bonding more with Kayla, and helps me look at her with so much more gratitude and beauty and passion.
I feel exhausted from the day, and a little mush-brained, so I’m ending it here.
Wishing you inspiration and awe.
–H
Expression H 