6/20/22
7 am
Last night as I was going to bed late, Kayla was asking if I could name reasons why I want to be with her long-term and saying that it would be helpful if when I’m shutting down, sometimes I could genuinely and seriously tell her that I love her.
I responded with things like “ok” and “I feel too tired right now.”
Not actually giving her the things that she was requesting to reassure her.
She was feeling insecure, and the logical part of me that knows what would be healthiest for the relationship was saying “Hyatt. Just tell her you love her. Give her some reasons why you like being with her. It’s easy. It really doesn’t take that much energy and it would help soothe her.”
But even though I was telling myself all this, there was a stronger, more emotional force that was blocking any of it from coming out. I didn’t want to talk about any of it, and I still don’t fully understand why.
She named her concerns again this morning. I told her I love her and gave reasons why I want to be with her, though, it still feels like it was lacking a bit of emotional conviction. I still felt some blockage and I still do now as I’m writing this.
I also didn’t get out of bed for an hour after I normally do on work days. I haven’t done any of my normal routine that helps prepare me for the day, I feel dehydrated from the food I ate last night, and I have an emotional imbalance this morning from talking with Kayla, which is all giving me some anxiety that I’m not gonna have a great work day.
I feel a sensation in my heart that I would describe as a weakness. It feels spacious and tight at the same time, and kind of like it’s not beating. It’s just sitting in there with no function.
Kayla and I haven’t ended our conversation on a satisfying note, and I’m sure she’s still worried and wants to talk, but I feel pressure around being a specific way right now, I feel pressure about the time I have this morning, I feel pressure around doing what would make me happiest.
I feel content and satisfied that I chose to write while all this is up, even though that’s taking more time away from my normal morning. I feel my heart becoming a little more normal again.
I really don’t want to work today, but honestly, it will probably give me time to regulate and come back home feeling more stable. I don’t feel good for Kayla’s sake when I start to close off. She can struggle with an anxious attachment, and I’m sure she could use more reassurance than I give her, and then when I go into avoidant mode, I just get the impulsive sense that this isn’t going to be healthy for her, and I should just go because I won’t be adequate enough to give her what she needs.
These are all just fleeting experiences in triggered states, and most of the time I feel adequate and love our relationship and feel really great about it, and I know I’ll feel that again soon.
Kayla just made watermelon juice, which is one of the things I do pretty much every morning and probably wasn’t going to have time for because I chose to write instead. She handed me the juice and said “It seemed like writing was really important for you this morning, and I still wanted you to have juice.”
I feel really grateful for her around that.
I only have about 15 minutes now before I leave for work and I still have to poop.
Overall, I’m grateful for this morning, and I feel privileged to have the life that I have, to have an income, to have a girlfriend, to have the ridiculous problems that I do, and to be able to blog about it.
Expression H 