6/22/22
10 PM
I feel like I’m growing and learning more about myself being in a relationship with Kayla than probably any other partner, which is surprising and unexpected for me. She’s so loving and into me and wants to be with me for a long time, more so than I’ve felt from anyone in around 7 years. It seems like whether the relationship lasts is mostly up to me, which can feel a little unsettling sometimes. Sometimes I feel like there can be an unhealthy power dynamic in my favor, and I’m trying really hard to not use it and to be fair and empathetic.
Some common emotional themes I feel in myself in a relationship are pressure, lack of freedom, and longing to work more on myself and my goals. I often wonder if these are a sign of an immature psyche and they just need to be recognized and worked on, or if they are my soul calling out to me, and that I, and some others of us on this planet, are just created with different agendas than to fall in love and be in a romantic relationship.
But when I’m not in a relationship, I also feel a longing to be in one and that something is missing. I imagine that I’ll just have a bit of longing and dissatisfaction either way and since I’m already in a relationship, I may as well just flow with this.
I feel bad because I’m not great at always reassuring Kayla when she needs it because I’m really unsure myself about what I ultimately want and what’s best for me, and I question whether it’s good for me to be with someone who is sure about what she wants in a relationship when I’m questioning what would be best for me.
I’m sure that I want to be with Kayla, I just need a supportive environment, community, and adventure. Kayla wants all those things too, so I’m hopeful about our future.
Yesterday, for my 7th blog post, I posted a link to it publically on Facebook and told Kayla about it today. She said that she’s worried that her husband, who she’s in the middle of a divorce with, will read my posts. So I, without almost any hesitation, made the post private so only I can see it to help ease her. I just sort of complied with her desire, and I feel slightly worried about it.
For my 6th blog post, she read it and asked me to correct something in the writing about what she was trying to get across; she thought that the way I worded it was out of integrity. I didn’t think it was out of integrity, and I was starting to get a little triggered about her persistence about it. I felt like my expressive outlet was being judged and I didn’t like the idea of her being able to just tell me she wants it different and influence my sacred outlet. I felt like it would be more out of integrity for me to edit my post, so I told her I wasn’t going to change it.
It was bothering her a lot for the next day or 2, so I finally gave in and changed the wording of the post.
Usually, when she asks a request of me that I’m not fully on board with, there is resistance and I’m often a “no”, and being asked to change makes me want to run back to being alone the way that I’m used to and not have to compromise for someone else. Then the request slowly grows on me, my resistance softens, and I usually will end up making the change for her. I just have to go through the initial shock and rebellion first.
Part of me thinks that this is growth, and I’m experiencing becoming less selfish, more thoughtful, and at the same time, part of me thinks this is deprivation of my soul, and I’m just allowing myself to merge and melt with the thing that isn’t me, which I try to suggest to myself that that’s the ultimate spiritual reality. Merge with your enemy. Let it overcome you and destroy you until there’s nothing left but unification. Give up on your stupid personality and desires and let the Universe have its way with you. It’s already happening anyway. You’re just fighting the inevitable. So let this be your practice into the beautiful horror of self-annihilation that will set you free.
But the human in me wants to reject it so much. “Fuck you! I’m not merging with shit! I want to do the things that I want! Fuck washing my hands for you! Fuck changing my expressive outlet for you! Fuck complying! I want my blog to be seen! I want your husband to be able to read this if he wants! Telling me to hide MY blog and MY thoughts from the world!? I’d rather die! I may as well just be dead!!!”
That’s all a little dramatic, but some part of me loved expressing it.
And instead of having any kind of outrage like that, I just suppressed my emotions a tiny bit and said “ok.”
I’m feeling pretty satisfied and complete right now.
I love Kayla and want to continue being in a relationship with her.
Write to you tomorrow ❤
Expression H 