My gut feels expanded and tight. I ate way too much shitty food today.
Kayla got me a bunch of free food she took home from Whole Foods from employee appreciation month. I’m grateful she thought of me and tried to help my budget by bringing me food. We got into a confrontation this morning which killed my apetite for shit food. I looked at the food she handed to me this morning and immediately wanted to throw it all over the lawn in disgust.
I didn’t do that, but contemplated just throwing it away in a trash or giving it to a homeless person if I could find one after I was out of her sight. I figured I would regret it and wish I had the food later in the day so I kept it. I regret that decision. I haven’t felt this overstuffed and dehydrated in a while, and it actually caused me to go buy drinks (GT’s Alive kombucha and an Olipop cola) to combat the discomfort. I spent more money trying to combat the food that was supposed to save me money.
I just want simple food. I don’t want this stupid scarcity, not enough, can’t afford healthy food mentality. I don’t want to be a scavenger of toxins for my temple just because I’m in a financial crisis.
I just got a door to door solar rep job, and I start door knocking tomorrow. It’s fully commission based, which I’m fine with. I want to grow in this area. The fucked part is that Amazon let me go about 2 weeks ago because I tried to give them a 2 week notice of my leave so I didn’t screw them over. Instead, they took my desire to do the right thing and screwed me over by just dropping me from the schedule when I really could have used those last shifts to get me through the next couple of weeks. Now part of me wishes I had never even told them I was gonna leave.
Now I have almost nothing in my bank account after already taking all my crypto out at a pretty low selling point (about $600), and I have about $200 of it left. All I have after that is my 401k of around $1,200 minus taxes after I pull out in order to survive the next 2 months or so.
Why the next 2 months? Because with being a solar appointment setter, after I set an appointment, then a closer has to go in that week to try and close the deal, then if the closer succeeds, we have to wait a few weeks for the panels to be installed on the roof before I get paid. That means in the beginning, I can expect to wait at least 6 weeks or so to see my first pay check, and that’s even if I can start setting appointments right away, which I have a lot of confidence in myself to do so.
But until I get that flow of income rolling in I’m strapped as fuck, while also recieving strong pressure from Kayla to help her financially as well, and the stress of her stress around this job I’m going into. Her stress makes tons of sense, but I need support. All her stress and worry and challenging asks of me have me feeling like I’m almost incapable of moving forward in my life. It’s difficult to know where to take a stand and set boundaries, and where to give in and let her influence me in directions that I don’t think are best. She wants me to be in my masculine, and for me to lead us, and says she wants to follow me, but when I actually feel like I’m in my masculine – growing, leading, taking a stand for what I think is best for us overall, I get so much pushback. I want to be open to her concerns, opinions, and suggestions, and I struggle with it. It feels like an attack and I get defensive, and I know I don’t help the situation. I just don’t know how to handle it. I’m tired of being broke without the skills and experience to make really good money. I’m so fucking done working wage jobs that I can’t get by on. Even if this job doesn’t pan out, I know the experience will be so valuable, and that’s where I think Kayla and I can miss each other. Experience and learning skills and wisdom are generally more important to me than safety/security, and although I imagine Kayla saying she also values those things, it’s just not the same way I do. Or maybe she values them about equally, but when it comes down to it, I will usually choose the outer growth experince while, from my observation, she usually will fall back on safety. I don’t think either of these are necerarilly better or worse than the other, and I know we both need work to balance ourselves more in these areas. That’s probably why we’re so attracted to each other and have come together, so we can work on our imbalances by learning from each other. But it’s so hard. We both have so much conviction around our imbalance at times. She has so much conviction around security, that I often feel like an asshole when I try to not get sucked into her anxious influence in that area. I don’t know how much to caretake her experience. She often seems to rely on me and convince me that I need to caretake her, and that if I don’t, then I must not care about her at all.
She still has anxious attachment wounds, and I still have avoidant wounds, and it feels like a blackhole of despair when our wounds are triggered at the same time.
Right now I’m feeling pretty calm. There’s some gratitude starting to creep in. Kayla is texting me, and we’re being a bit sweeter now. I still feel a small sense of dread tucked inside of me around all her worries that I anticipate still coming up around all this. But I love her. I will do my best to stay empathetic and not so defensive. I want harmony. I want her to feel safe. I also want to feel safe and not so desperate and demotivated.
Thanks for reading. Love you.
Expression H 