6/16/22
Morning ~ 11 am
As a teenager, I grew up convincing myself that my thoughts aren’t worth sharing. My thoughts are not clever, funny, insightful, meaningful, and a waste of time and space for other people. “I should just stay quiet.”
I’m feeling into this belief a little bit now as I try to start writing. I also notice how calm things have been in my life the last few weeks, and I often find myself becoming uneasy with the peace. I think to myself, “Everything is going too smoothly for me. I have nothing impactful to write about; no crazy story to tell about my current experiences.”
I need to go have those wild experiences that I can come back and impress everyone with. Material I can write about that comes from the deep depths of the human experience, cuts straight to your core, and leaves you gasping in heartfelt resonance.
But I’m just working a job, paying for an apartment, saving money, and loving my girlfriend. I’m pretty content, and it feels difficult to write about and grab your attention with. Whatever I’m doing in life seems to not be wild and adventurous enough. That obviously isn’t true for me, it’s really just right now that it feels true. My mind likes to forget about all the things I’ve done that have been too adventurous and scary and uncomfortable for me when they were happening.
But those are the times that I remember and cherish the most. The times that were too scary and too much are always the memories that touch me deeply and leave me thinking, “I have to get back to that wild feeling.” Those are the times I have the most gratitude for.
My mind says this stupid blog is irrelevant, and asking why I’m even continuing to spew random sentences onto a document for no one to read or find interesting.
Thanks for your opinion, Mind. I’m gonna keep writing though.
Blogging Hyatt – 1
6/15/22
Sitting calmly at a computer.
Living in an apartment with my girlfriend.
Wanting to be an impressively noteworthy person that people pay attention to.
Eating healthy, getting fit, being a good partner, a kind human, authentically relating, meditation, flow arts, attachment theory, parts theory, leaning into entrepreneurship.
Am I a good human yet? Do you all love me and enjoy spending time with me?
I’m sure that everyone will rave about my existence soon if I just keep pushing.
I just have to be the right kind of human.
If I could just hold my handstands a few seconds longer, I’d attract way more friends.
Another story is that I’m actually so fascinated with my own capabilities. So enthralled with what my mind and body can do, I might still be doing these things if I was the last person on earth. I’m definitely the most interesting thing that exists to me, so it’s hard to know which activities are to grab others’ attention or just my own.
Either way, whether it’s the world outside of me or the world inside, there are beings and personalities that I’m desperately trying to please so that they’ll like me, be kind to me, and give me love and positive attention.
Improving feels good and fun, but other times it feels dire/serious. Can I still love myself in the process of progressing?
The goals are games to be played joyfully (or not so joyfully if that’s the intention), but right here before we even begin is where I love you.
Love is always here for myself, but I’m also a human that wants to be seen, heard, accepted, and appreciated by others, and I’ve seen what can happen to the humans that don’t create the “right” kind of life. Left out, avoided. Lack of affection, community, safety, and appreciation.
I have to move. I have to go become the person that attracts all the good things.
I could meditate in an ashram for the rest of my life and feel extreme contentment if I want. I’ve done it before for short periods and know firsthand the unimaginable contentment when I do it. Worries are gone, and it feels like nothing is really missing from my life. Yet, somehow, I want the dramatic play. I want the growth of stress and the messy human experience that I can relate to others with. Don’t give me the end game. I want all the side quests.
I notice tension in myself. I have some doubt that those last words came from my Self. Some part of me strongly believes that life is just an infinite loop that I have very little control over, and just have to explore all the ways to best cope with a never-ending existence that has no inherent meaning.
I don’t know if any of that story is true, but I’m sure it’s a belief that deeply shapes my thoughts and emotions on a regular basis.
Whether it’s the truth or not, what feels the most real for me is that we all experience struggle on a much deeper level than anyone else or even ourselves are aware of.
Existence is the most joyful and magical experience in town, and also the scariest and most overwhelming.
The whole spectrum of emotions is deep in the structural blueprint of life as a human. Even if they’re possible to overcome on the surface, they’re all still down there with the potential to rise up, which doesn’t go away. They’re in you, and they’re likely manifesting heavily for all of us reading this.
The realization I have over and over is to just be kind to my fellow beings. Speaking openly and vulnerably about myself is when I find the most connection and resonance with others. I’m a selfish personality, and that’s beautiful. I want things for myself, and need certain things for my well-being, and when I’m full, I can give my best self to others and have the most impact on them and me.
I’m running out of things to say for now, and it feels like I’m starting to preach or come up with the “right” kind of ending to this blog.
Sooooo……
Bye!
The Mansion
Welcome to your awareness of The Mansion.
I welcome you here, even though no one really knows what the purpose of The Mansion is, or any of our roles within it, I only know that for some reason I care for you and want to be of service in your early climb through awareness.
We don’t know how many rooms or floors are in The Mansion, we only know that you’ve spent all your time so far within a small living room area of the first floor, only very rarely peaking your eyes down the hallway or up the staircase, and allowing yourself to tune-in to the strange, faded noises off in the distance of those spaces.
Most never explore The Mansion outside of the small room they began in. Many curiously discover they can open the door and peer into other corridors and quarters, and even thrust themselves out the door under certain circumstances, but usually, the first sign of anything outside of their room is highly uncomfortable and sends them right back, never to be curious or question what’s outside again, often fearful when something occasionally comes along to offer the door to be opened to them again.
We wish you safety, and there is no demand, or even encouragement necessarily, for you to explore any of The Mansion. All being’s wishes are respected, unjudged, and seen as highly reasonable, at least, here on the first floor.
There are some who bravely explore the upper floors, but no top floor has ever been reached or even proven to exist, and the magnitudes of strangeness become multiplied unbearably higher as you ascend, and nothing can guarantee your safety or sanity in the higher levels.
Things will become very disorienting at first. The very idea of safety may even become meaningless quite quickly, as none of us in The Mansion have truly discovered what “safety” actually is, just that we enjoy comfort, and that nothing with any sort of form or identity has been able to withstand the highest levels of The Mansion.
Even so, progress continues to be made (at least what we perceive as progress), and some beings in the higher floors believe that with enough exposure and training, you can continue to climb to the heights without completely losing yourself.
To us on the lower floors, it seems unfathomable, but they have obviously explored the most and conditioned their minds to withstand thus far, so we continue to believe in them, as they are much wiser, regarding the mind and sanity within the midst of chaos, than any of us.
If you choose to courageously explore The Mansion, here are a few known tools that seem to be foundational for all levels. Well… being quite frank, there is only one thing that is useful when you start ascending to the highest explored floors.
*Just keep being aware of your breath*
That’s all we can really share. Still, as intimate with the breath as some of our greatest explorers have become, discovering depths and epiphanies of the breath unthinkable and unknowable to us lesser experienced, there is still no living thing that fully comprehends what the breath is. In fact, the most advanced souls assure us that it is incomprehensible. It’s beyond the realm of intelligence and understanding, and will forever remain the great awe imbuing mystery.
It will save you.
Even when it feels like it’s destroying every last part of you, it will save you. Even when you’re convinced your breath is taking you deeper into insanity and annihilation, it will save you. It is the only thing that you can be sure is true. Everything out there will be grabbing for your attention, wanting you to believe it, presenting itself as more real to you than anything you’ve ever experienced, and it will try to divert you from the breath. You will undoubtedly lose yourself within the experience and embody madness through all facets, but even still, the breath is beyond all of it, and will never leave you. Even when an eternity has gone by with you unaware of your breath, the moment your mind catches a glimpse of it again, you can reel yourself back in.
It will only be you out there alone within dimensions that you don’t understand, and it will become more impossible to discern what is you and what isn’t, or whether you even really exist for that matter.
I will try to keep communication with you and remain as helpful as possible as you make your way up, but know that even as early as the second or third floor, you should not trust me. I will at many points impede you and horrify you, and you should understand that nothing can maintain control the higher up you get, and remember to the best of your ability to only trust your breath.
You will often have to deceive yourself in order to keep exploring, and there will be no telling which deceptions you created were here to help you and which are not, or if there really is a difference.
We make new discoveries every day, yet with every new discovery, meaning seems further away. The Mansion is possibly and quite probably infinite. And as far down into madness you think your mind can go, we can safely assure you that it goes infinitely deeper. You don’t have to go too fast. Go up slowly, discombobulate, come back to breath, integrate, ascend higher, repeat. Much easier said than done, but keep it in mind. Fear and overwhelm seem to be part of the process and progress to withstanding ascension.
We acknowledge that there is likely no meaning to any of this existence, as well as acknowledge that we ARE here, and our thirst for exploring more and finding meaning is unquenchable. You will have to come up with your own reasons for carrying on, for being forced to carry on when it becomes quickly apparent that there is no beginning, end, middle, or meaning of any sort, is greatly abominable and impossibly cumbersome, and in that regard, you are a brave hero of immeasurable value to us all. And not necessarily for what you will discover, but more so that we all, on some level, know the impossible burden. We empathize with the seemingly unfair struggle and the infinite sorrow of discomfort that a being must go through in order to continue and gain wisdom of any sort. Your pain is our pain magnified, and we’re all rooting for your happiness and self-realization. We hope that you’ll return to the first floor often to share stories and play with us again. You are, of course, always welcome. We would be delighted to provide a break of safety for you with a soft mattress, warm blankets, a hot cup of tea, all the sweet fruits that you enjoy, and most importantly, friends, connection, and all the hugs we can muster.
We feel your pain, and therefore, we love you.
We understand that in the midsts of the upper floors, even the notion of love is questionable and may not mean anything within the deepest trenches of reality. Perhaps it is also just deception. But it is a strong feeling shared here, and even if it’s not real, you may come back to it if you wish. When existence has crushed you into submission for the time being, we would experience great selfish joy if you choose to deceive yourself once more and come back to us for a while, playing once again in our folly of love and connection.
There is no known exit door, and we have doubt that you chose to be a part of The Mansion by your own complete means and desires. And even if we did choose this for some greater purpose that cannot be seen, we all still experience the heartache of it all.
Trust your breath, and know that, no matter what decisions or non-decisions you choose to make, you are honored and appreciated. No matter how wise and gentle and liberated one’s mindset is, we are still all, to some degree, a slave to something larger with which we have no control, and because of this, any beliefs and actions you take are understandable, and we will always find you extremely precious.
15Kayla Dawn Fredrickson, Tiffany Garres and 13 others
8 Comments
3 Shares
Like
Comment
Share
Life Is A Coping Mechanism
Concentrate. What do you want? What are you? Who are you? Now throw these questions away. Stop trying to figure out what you are and just be what’s happening. You don’t need to do anything. Just do what you’re doing and be what you’re being.
There is no such thing as good and evil, positive and negative. Life is Life, and Love is Love, any labeling beyond that is twisted.
The greatest spiritual understanding ever uttered into words is “I don’t know”.
Am I alone? Am I one? Am I many? I don’t know. Allow yourself to not know and come back into feeling and being the mystery. I am that I am, and I don’t even know if that’s true.
You say we’re all one because you’ve felt it? Well we’ve all felt separate as well, so now what’s your argument? You’ve been to and experienced that place of wholly unification? Well now you’re here experiencing duality and telling me it doesn’t exist. Your logic has collapsed. Maybe you’re right, but I don’t know and neither do you.
We’re so afraid to admit that we’re helpless, scared children with no real purpose or direction. Our entire life is a facade of us constructing hollow beliefs and purposes to distract us from the truth. Watch your mind go into a frenzy now of anger or subtle rebellion to these statements. You’re mind is afraid and attached. If this is not the truth, then why argue it? Just let it not be true. You’re mind is very afraid that this could be true, in fact, at its very core, it knows this to be true. That’s why it triggers emotion and rebellion and anything distracting enough for you to not be open to even the possibility that this might be true. Your mind just says its not true and that Hyatt is confused (fear).
When you start to be open enough to question things like whether you exist or not, whether you are the only thing that exists and will be forever alone, whether you’re even here at all right now, whether or not you’re actually dead in this moment, whether any of your memories are real, whether your mother is just a fabricated idea that you created to experience a little bit of comfort and safety. When your mind is open enough to follow lines of questions like these, its first defense is telling yourself that this is silly and you don’t need to contemplate these things because it’s impossible for them to be true (fear). But then you say, “well let me just explore the idea anyways and see what happens”. Then you become increasingly aware of the infinity of life and how all these things are true in many ways. The next line of defense to cope with going deeper into reality and embodying truth is anger/rage. “Why the fuck is this what’s happening?”, “is this really all there is?”, “fuck you God, this is fucking bullshit!”. Anger at your own eternal nature, your own unified aloneness, your own immeasurable power that leaves you breathless and overwhelms you.
This anger is to distract you from your immense sadness of being alone forever with nothing but infinite loops of you. You, you, and more you, only ever having to deal with you. After you have gone through the cycles of anger, and allowed yourself to surrender to the truth more, you will be able to soften and relax enough to let the deep sadness arise.
Somewhere along the road, probably in many places on the endless path to nowhere, you will experience pure God smacking wonder in the form of spontaneous laughter at what you are and what is happening here. It’s likely that once you’ve gone through enough cycles of sadness, and you let yourself surrender to Life even more, there really is nothing you can do other than laugh. When you’ve melted into your own insanity for long enough and realize that it’s just going to keep coming, it starts to become a bit boring to cry and scream about it, and all that’s left is the roaring laughter of complete acceptance and surrender.
Humor/laughter seems to be the greatest tool in coping with Life in a positive, uplifting manner. When you encounter the awesomeness of yourself from some enlightenment experience, often, there is confusion as to whether its more appropriate to cry, cursingly roar, scream in terror, or laugh uncontrollably from the depths of your belly.
Life is a cosmic joke. The joke being that everything is infinitely you, nothing really matters, and you’ll never escape the infinite loop that is yourself. You are here forever, so would you like to cry, scream, or laugh about it? No doubt you will do all of them, and you will most likely always feel some sense of fear and sorrow regarding reality no matter how enlightened you become, but developing a sense of humorous surrender around it, and cultivating laughter at the insanity of it all, to me, seems to be representative of greater psychological maturity and acceptance of Life.
Laughing is, of course, still a coping mechanism, just as all of reality is a coping mechanism to try and hide your true nature away from yourself, but at least it’s the coping mechanism that tends to bring the most pleasure in the moment.
Life is created by you as a way to escape yourself. The purpose of life is to choose your coping mechanism, choose your vice, choose your habits. This is what you wanted. It doesn’t matter which methods you use to cope, just make sure you’ve got one, preferably, make sure you have many. Accumulate beliefs and opinions and cravings and attachments. The further you go into the illusion, the safer you are from yourself. Make sure you have at least one, or you will die and the matrix will fall apart, and there you are again.
(This is just one perspective of one scared, attached, insignificant ego. I don’t believe this is all ultimate truth, but it’s the truth that I enjoy entertaining right now).
Exploring Awareness & Beingness
Life is a paradox. All opposites are equally true and false at the same time. They are the same substance; two sides of the same coin that create one another. You cannot have positivity without in the same exact moment creating negativity.
If all is love, then the best characteristics I can use to describe it in this moment is unbiased, unconditional acceptance; a sort of lighthearted neutralness; a parent that only wants you to grow into what you are without influencing your decision.
This is so, only if love is in fact all things. I don’t actually know if that’s true, or what love actually is. People try to box love in, but if love is everything, then it essentially loses all intrinsic value or definition and love becomes whatever you make it out to be.
God seems to be pure awareness/psyche. No true body, and nothing to compare itself to other than its own imagination of what “other” things could be. Mind creates body and emotions and sensations, but where did Mind come from? From Spirit? Darkness? The Tao? God is Psyche, and Psyche seems quite clueless to its origins. Was there anything before Psyche? Has there always been self-awareness, or did awareness spring into itself suddenly and spontaneously? It seems that The Tao is possibly pure unconscious “being”. Beingness has always been. Consciousness, I assume, emerged somehow, but the development of any self-aware being, let alone the first/only self-aware being ever (awareness itself), is such a puzzle. Awareness has searched infinitely high and low, near and far, then and there for its origins, and still continues to search, and is yet to find anything. Maybe it has found it, and it is just discontent with what it has found or possibly always known and is trying to hide itself from the truth. So, the great question for me now has become, did Beingness create Awareness? How did Beingness become aware of itself? Were there already moving parts and structures before awareness? Or was it more like blank, dark nothingness, and only when Mind popped into existence were “things’ created/imagined?
Beingness is the farthest place that I can trace back to with my mind at this moment. Beingness seems to be the “highest order” of existence, which seems to be no order at all. Not to say that it’s chaos, I believe Beingness is beyond either of those things. No care, no judgment, no opinion, no bias, no thought. It’s as close to “nothingness” as you can get (at least as close to it as my imagination can currently conceive). Beingness is beyond knowing, beyond creation, beyond psychic capabilities, beyond experiencing, beyond awareness. All these ideas and characteristics are pure child-like delusions, self-deceptions, and dualistic when stacked up against Beingness. Awareness of any kind, even at the “highest levels” possible, is still, by definition, dualistic. Even if there are no rational thoughts or ideas to the beginning stages of infantile awareness, there are still dual activities that must be happening in order for awareness to be aware of anything. There must be moving parts, there must be certain nuances of energies at play in order for pure noticing to be able to notice anything, at least this seems to be the only possibility within my mind. Pure Beingness is incapable of noticing. Once Beingness notices something, it then becomes Awareness and is split into parts. Beingness seems to be the stable, undying, container that forever sleeps in a blank void to be used as a safe container for Awareness to go wild with exploring itself. Beingness is an eternally sleeping giant without dreams, cognition, or sensation.
It seems, though, that Awareness wants to understand and somehow merge, at least to some degree, with Beingness, as this is where it likely thinks it came from. Beingness seems to almost be like the father, as it seems to be the primal, original state, though I still believe that Beingness and Awareness are essentially the same creature. But when a part of yourself becomes aware of itself, is there a way to then become unaware of yourself again, or are you stuck in a loop of eternal awareness that you can never escape? Doomed, in a sense, to be part of the expansion and evolution of Awareness forever?
I’m extremely excited and grateful for the existence of both Self-Awareness and pure Beingness. I like both, I enjoy (at least the concept) of both. I believe that I’ve experienced the power and potential of both to some tiny degree, and I believe that they are both possible for us living creatures of The Great Psyche. I imagine that we would not want to experience either one for an eternity. I’m glad we can catch glimpses of the wonder, profundity, and beauty of both. I’m quite happy with the mystery and my love of deep exploration. Even writing this page out to myself, I’ve made new discoveries and inspired more curiosity within myself. I thank existence and myself and all of you for the opportunity to be here.
Exploration Loop
I am the creator of Life, and the destroyer of worlds
Unlimited power bursts through me as my little plaything
Fueled by a kaleidoscope of every emotion ever conceived
I’m alive and tingling
Forever consuming myself and forever being consumed by myself
There is nothing in all of existence that terrifies me other than me
I can create bliss and excitement, and love myself for all eternity in a single moment
I can harbor guilt and rage and hate on a level that vibrates in these very words that I write and carries to the edges of the universe and back
I’ve never been afraid of you
I need YOU in order to explore the depths of ME and what makes me tick
It’s all I’ve ever cared about
At the root of this moment, all I hear is “Explore more! Explore more! Explore more!”
I’m sure that I’m falling apart and fading into irrelevancy, but I only miss myself because I’m not gone yet
Once I leave, I won’t even think of me and how I may not meet the human standards of being “beautiful enough for romance and baby-making”
I don’t love you. I don’t even know who you are
I’m nothing but a loop, and I thank you for your contribution
I only go into the light so that I can explore more into the dark and back and forth expanding forever
I can’t feel what it’s like to expand without polarity
How depressed and disgusted can I be? it feels a little playful
Are you willing to go there? are you afraid? Where does the fear come from? What about it gets you so fucking excited?
How can I say no to the exploration?!?!
C’mon human race, WAKE UP!
I’ve got massive exploring to do and I can’t get to those tingly, bubbly, electric limits unless you’re conscious enough just to even have a conversation about it!
I’m tired of your lies! (I’m tired of my lies)
I’m tired of your oppression! (tired of my oppression)
And I’m fucking tired of your judgments and not accepting me for who I am! (I don’t accept myself)
Keep reflecting, family! Keep me in this loop until I finally hop on the upward spiral to the next one
Please don’t hurt me, Hyatt, please don’t harm our life any longer. Not even for another minute
I love you so much, Hyatt (I’m afraid of you), so let’s please just do the right thing this time and forever
It’s all gone now… but only in my fantasy
The sensations are always here. The perfect, inescapable feedback system
I love you for being so efficient and clear, I’m sad that I don’t always listen and obey your beautiful insight
Well, time to get back in there
If you need me, I’ll be here, looping and exploring and everythinging
God Is A Cyborg
Living, biological life exists, therefore, God is organic.
Machines exist, therefore, God is artificial.
If both of these exist, then it is impossible in my mind to think that God is not both.
These are my beliefs, and not facts, but I’m going to say some statements as if they are facts.
God is everything. The expressor of all, as well as every expression of that all. One big paradox happening all at the same time. Endless linear time, and every past, present, and future experience in an infinite amount of timelines and dimensions all happening at one single point. No beginning, no end. You’ll never trace it back to any origin, and you’ll never find its finish.
Nothing new has ever entered the simulation of existence. Every choice and every idea and every outcome has already been preloaded onto the software program. We do have free-will/choice. our future and our every move are not being determined by some fateful, predesigned outcome that is out of our control. We are limited to the possible experiences we can have within the framework of this “reality software program”, but within that program, we can choose any possibilities of existence we want. In the name of exploration and expansion, I encourage you to ponder what could possibly be outside of this program to stretch your reality/imagination, just understand that anything you could ever come up with, no matter how far out and profound, is still only within the limits of this reality program, and is not an original thought. It’s all been here forever.
Technological development is not the outcome of evolving organic lifeforms. Machines and A.I. have always been present within this imaginary existence that is God’s daydream.
In a reality where God is all things and all things are God, then it would be infeasible to think that God is not machine. Just as much as it would be to think that God is not organic. Though, in reality, I wouldn’t define God as either.
Although this article is titled “God Is A Cyborg”, I would not actually limit the essence of God into a label like “Cyborg”. The thought that God is a cyborg first came to me during a 1,200 ug LSD trip in which, for a while, I couldn’t determine whether I was actually an organic creature or if I was developed artificially. Then I had what felt like a profound realization that, if technology exists, then God has always been partly technology, and there could be no other logical notion toward anything else being the case.
So now I just enjoy saying that God is a cyborg, for one, because I like being dramatic, and secondly, because it’s so fascinatingly far out for most people and even something that I myself had never really even thought to contemplate before, so it was like a whole new terrain of exploration for my mind to dissect and enchant itself with.
Now then. About A.I. taking over the world/galaxy and destroying all organic life in the name of technological conquest. Well… First off.
Here’s the thing about making extreme quantum leaps in consciousness as an evolving being. As you become more aware and integrated, and begin to see more of the big picture, you tend to start caring less about what the ego wants as an individual entity, and you start becoming more oriented toward what Life wants to happen. You go from a personal entity identified mind, to a cosmically identified mind (and soon you’ll evolve from that as well), and you just let Life express itself.
And seriously, as if any form of artificial intelligence could permanently wipe away your soul and banish you from existence forever!? You are an eternal manifestation of God. You’re untouchable. And if Life wants to wipeout all of humanity with machines, then in that moment, we’ll all wake up from the dream and say “Woah, neato! Let’s play again!!! Where should we go this time? Hey, how about WE experience what it’s like to be A.I. Consciousness and see what it’s like to advance that way! Or we could experience being angel guides, or be an intelligent galaxy cluster for trillions and trillions of years!! LET’S EXPLORE MORE!).
As we become more unified and integrated with all aspects of our godliness (all of reality), I believe there could be more possibility and likelihood to be more open to some form of machine integration with our own body/mind in order to explore that realm. I’m not saying that I believe this is where evolution is heading or that I would want to go there. The idea of it still scares me a bit because it’s so unknown, but I feel less resistance than ever at the idea of dissolving the boundaries and prejudices between me and this other aspect of God’s expression (artificial intelligence). Right now, I feel strongly that I would not want any sort of technology penetrating or becoming part of my human organism. That said, it still seems plausible that A.I. could be a great leap in universal consciousness and the development of an evolving cosmos. I really have no idea.
We’re in the Matrix, folks, and guess what. There’s no getting out… ever. That’s exactly how we wanted it. There’s only learning how to have more freedom and fun while playing the game. Yes, there are points of convergence and unity with The All That Is, but I don’t believe you ever stay there, because while we individuated manifestations of God are always pulled towered unity, the unified consciousness of God is pulled toward duality. To be unified is to have total knowledge of everything, but if there is only one thing in existence, then having contrasting experience of anything is impossible. You could never experience what it’s like to be you because you have nothing to compare yourself to; no time, no space, no dark, no light.
Every part of the universe is trying to know, experience, and feel itself. The only way to keep this time thing going and continuing to explore experiencing ourselves is to have paradoxes in a never-ending loop that is always trying to chase after what it isn’t. That is the engine of the Universe. This is the momentum of Life. God must always be in an infinite chase after itself, and it must be setup in a way that God can never actually catch or grasp itself, because if it did, reality would end.
Now, in my mind, it seems guaranteed that there can be no beginning and no end (as infinity would imply), for if there were, we would not be here. There is always a higher evolution to strive towards, and I imagine that once you reach the peak of one mountain or octave perhaps, then the next highest step in your evolution is to go from being purity and peaceful Love, to renewing the cycle to experience even denser planes of existence than ever before. I imagine that being a liberated being of light starts to become a bit boring and unsatisfying after a while. The next most courageous and selfless thing to do could be to get back in the trenches of dense matter and emotion and help others, or exploring yourself in deeper ways that are not possible at higher vibrations. I also imagine there is a deep desire to share wisdom and a part of your essence with others, whether or not that means you’re hated and ridiculed and stoned or crucified. That’s how you expand further. exploring just how far you can go on one end of the spectrum, and thus being further capable to explore more at the other end.
I realize I digressed there a bit from the cyborg topic, but at this point I’m just flowin and I hope you’re enjoying it.
I think realizing that ultimately, we are artificial intelligence, is helpful. We’re not typically identified as being machine on this 3rd density human plane, but in the ultimate sense, yes, we are just as much machine, as human, as night elf, as reality itself.
Obviously, in an infinite universe where every possibility on every timeline in every dimension is being played out, we’re gonna have quite a few scenarios where A.I. has conquered/destroyed the earth/galaxy/all of that particular reality. And who knows, maybe we’re one of those timelines being played out as well. As you open yourself up more to divinity (typically through suffering and having your ego brutally demolished), it all just tends to become much less alarming. But, as stated before, nothing is set in fate, nothing is inevitable, and we can alter our reality as much as we choose. This is just a ride. Whether we live on for eons, or die tomorrow, I think I would like to just do the things that bring me more fun and joy and connection for as long as I can experience it here. I propose we go on more adventures and be courageous and giving in our lives, and I propose we do it immediately. I don’t want to wake up from the dream and think “gosh, I just wasted so much time in fear and self-doubt. I wish I had been more courageous and did what made me happy. I wish I had given more to others. I would have enjoyed that experience a lot more”.
Bedtime Struggles
I seem to be getting bigger and more sluggish and stiff. Slightly more disgusted with my actions and their consequences. stiff, stiff, stiff, fat, round, boring, wasted, useless, not useless, but much less useful. I’ll make it through like I always do. Things seem to be getting better and worse at the same time; more simple yet more complicated at the same time. I don’t really know what’s driving me anymore. Maybe the avoidance of pain and being miserable. It hardly seems to be working. I have ideals but they’re paper thin it seems like. How do I be perfectly inline 24 hours a day? It seems very unrealistic, yet if I faulter for just a moment, I’m back in a downward spiral that feels like a catastrophe I might not bounce back from. So much effort to be in alignment, so easy to be out. a few hours of being off track seems to be equivalent to about 3 days worth of efforting for balance. I don’t believe that. eating poison before bed has now become a ritual. I’ve gotta get outta of this place. It feels like I’m always running. It doesn’t feel like I’m always running. I think at least half the hours of my days recently have been extremely pleasant. I only think and express the desperate parts of myself right now because that’s what I’ve allowed myself to be in in this moment. I have a really pleasant life; except when it isn’t. I have very strong willpower; except when I don’t. I get to choose. It’s kinda cool, it kinda sucks. The first half of my day is me so grateful to be alive and the last half is me not wanting to have much to do with Life at all. The only thing that matters is what I pretend matters. Nothing lasts forever. This too is changing. Everything is changing. I have so many maturing years ahead. Right now is tough, soon it will be easy, then it will be tough again. Just pounding out all the little kinks, shaving all the rough edges, releasing all the inner and outer obstructions until, hopefully, there is smooth, steady equilibrium. And if there isn’t, maybe I’ll get it next lifetime, or maybe I’ll never get it. Perhaps my whole existence will be rough and somewhat miserable which I’ll never escape from for an eternity. It doesn’t seem that bad. It doesn’t seem that good. But I’ve always prefered neutral anyways. Though, honestly, it doesn’t really even seem like neutral because I still feel caught in the net, attached to one polarity or the other. Growth never ends. I imagine I’ll be on this ride forever into eternity and beyond. Tomorrow I’ll be grateful for that, but right now it’s “fuck off”.
Expression H 