My gut feels expanded and tight. I ate way too much shitty food today.

Kayla got me a bunch of free food she took home from Whole Foods from employee appreciation month. I’m grateful she thought of me and tried to help my budget by bringing me food. We got into a confrontation this morning which killed my apetite for shit food. I looked at the food she handed to me this morning and immediately wanted to throw it all over the lawn in disgust.

I didn’t do that, but contemplated just throwing it away in a trash or giving it to a homeless person if I could find one after I was out of her sight. I figured I would regret it and wish I had the food later in the day so I kept it. I regret that decision. I haven’t felt this overstuffed and dehydrated in a while, and it actually caused me to go buy drinks (GT’s Alive kombucha and an Olipop cola) to combat the discomfort. I spent more money trying to combat the food that was supposed to save me money.
I just want simple food. I don’t want this stupid scarcity, not enough, can’t afford healthy food mentality. I don’t want to be a scavenger of toxins for my temple just because I’m in a financial crisis.

I just got a door to door solar rep job, and I start door knocking tomorrow. It’s fully commission based, which I’m fine with. I want to grow in this area. The fucked part is that Amazon let me go about 2 weeks ago because I tried to give them a 2 week notice of my leave so I didn’t screw them over. Instead, they took my desire to do the right thing and screwed me over by just dropping me from the schedule when I really could have used those last shifts to get me through the next couple of weeks. Now part of me wishes I had never even told them I was gonna leave.

Now I have almost nothing in my bank account after already taking all my crypto out at a pretty low selling point (about $600), and I have about $200 of it left. All I have after that is my 401k of around $1,200 minus taxes after I pull out in order to survive the next 2 months or so.
Why the next 2 months? Because with being a solar appointment setter, after I set an appointment, then a closer has to go in that week to try and close the deal, then if the closer succeeds, we have to wait a few weeks for the panels to be installed on the roof before I get paid. That means in the beginning, I can expect to wait at least 6 weeks or so to see my first pay check, and that’s even if I can start setting appointments right away, which I have a lot of confidence in myself to do so.

But until I get that flow of income rolling in I’m strapped as fuck, while also recieving strong pressure from Kayla to help her financially as well, and the stress of her stress around this job I’m going into. Her stress makes tons of sense, but I need support. All her stress and worry and challenging asks of me have me feeling like I’m almost incapable of moving forward in my life. It’s difficult to know where to take a stand and set boundaries, and where to give in and let her influence me in directions that I don’t think are best. She wants me to be in my masculine, and for me to lead us, and says she wants to follow me, but when I actually feel like I’m in my masculine – growing, leading, taking a stand for what I think is best for us overall, I get so much pushback. I want to be open to her concerns, opinions, and suggestions, and I struggle with it. It feels like an attack and I get defensive, and I know I don’t help the situation. I just don’t know how to handle it. I’m tired of being broke without the skills and experience to make really good money. I’m so fucking done working wage jobs that I can’t get by on. Even if this job doesn’t pan out, I know the experience will be so valuable, and that’s where I think Kayla and I can miss each other. Experience and learning skills and wisdom are generally more important to me than safety/security, and although I imagine Kayla saying she also values those things, it’s just not the same way I do. Or maybe she values them about equally, but when it comes down to it, I will usually choose the outer growth experince while, from my observation, she usually will fall back on safety. I don’t think either of these are necerarilly better or worse than the other, and I know we both need work to balance ourselves more in these areas. That’s probably why we’re so attracted to each other and have come together, so we can work on our imbalances by learning from each other. But it’s so hard. We both have so much conviction around our imbalance at times. She has so much conviction around security, that I often feel like an asshole when I try to not get sucked into her anxious influence in that area. I don’t know how much to caretake her experience. She often seems to rely on me and convince me that I need to caretake her, and that if I don’t, then I must not care about her at all.

She still has anxious attachment wounds, and I still have avoidant wounds, and it feels like a blackhole of despair when our wounds are triggered at the same time.

Right now I’m feeling pretty calm. There’s some gratitude starting to creep in. Kayla is texting me, and we’re being a bit sweeter now. I still feel a small sense of dread tucked inside of me around all her worries that I anticipate still coming up around all this. But I love her. I will do my best to stay empathetic and not so defensive. I want harmony. I want her to feel safe. I also want to feel safe and not so desperate and demotivated.

Thanks for reading. Love you.

6/27/22

9:45 pm

Okay, I missed a couple days, but we’re back on.

2 days ago was Pride Festival here in Tulsa and after the parade, I, Kayla, and our friend Kera, went to meet some other friends at some bars.
at one point in the night, we all circled up and played some authentic relating games.
We were playing a game called “Hotseat”, which is just making one person the center of attention while the rest of the group asks that person whatever they want.

While I was in the hot seat, someone asked “what’s your biggest fear?”

I felt into it, and the fear that was most alive for me at that moment had to do with my relationship with Kayla. I couldn’t quite pinpoint the details, I just knew there was something there, and I was getting images and feelings of a small ball of darkness sitting in my lower abdomen, like a void space.

I didn’t give myself enough time to fully dissect it. I was also under time pressure for my turn in the hot seat, as well as a desire to be impressive to those around me (which ended up backfiring in the end), so I started expressing things prematurely.

Words started coming out of my mouth, saying something about how I felt like I was still uncertain in myself around our relationship, and unsure if I’d be happier being with Kayla, or if I’d be happier being on my own.

It was an old story, and I knew it was as I was saying it. I could tell it wasn’t quite the truth as it was leaving my lips, but that’s the story I had been telling myself and others often at the beginning of our relationship, so that’s the story my brain started rolling with, and I just wasn’t willing to be authentic and vulnerable enough to stop for a second, take a breath, and explain what was happening for me in the moment.
I just decided to keep going with that thought train in order to appear congruent to everyone.

What feels a lot more true for me is that I was feeling some sort of fear regarding our relationship, and I’ve been thinking about it and processing it and have ideas and stories about it, but I still don’t feel confident saying that I know exactly what it is; I imagine there are many layers (and I just don’t feel like writing all about it here).
I just know now, and knew then, that I love Kayla and feel really committed to her. I really only question whether I’m happy with her when I’m in triggered shut-down lizard brain state, and that’s such a minor amount of overall time which I get over fairly quickly.

But anyway, what I had expressed that night in the hot seat was very hard and hurtful for Kayla to hear, and we were working through all that for a couple days. I felt we were closer to breaking up with each other than we’d ever been, and that was really unsettling for me. I was feeling fear rising up in all kinds of ways, including sadness, anger, numbness, longing, and so many others, I’m sure.

But long story shortened, we worked through it, and now I feel even more committed and close with Kayla than ever, and I feel so grateful about it.
Which is honestly kind of insane. It was such a difficult period for me, and at the end of it is so much joy and peace and love.

It reminds me of doing high-dose psychedelics and being confronted with the scariest shit my mind can conjure. During the first half or so of the trip, I’m thinking “fuck this. I’m scared and uncomfortable and I want out! I’ll never do this shit again. Why did I do this? why the fuck would anyone do this to themselves? If I survive this, I’ll never touch psychedelics again. I just want a normal-ass human life, for the love of God!”

But something amazing happens. When I survive being stuck in maximum level existential fear, then in the latter half of the trip, I’m wide open. Every cell is cracked with ecstasy pouring out. I’m the most beautiful and alive that I’ve ever felt. I’m free, and I always think at this point, “all that fear and infinite insanity was worth this amount of love and care and gratitude that I feel right now.”

It always makes me think that “all the ecstasy we could ever want is just on the other side of deep terror!”
Fear is the doorway to peace and massive creativity and pleasure, and the amount of pleasure that you experience is equally proportionate to the amount of fear you face.

It’s kind of cool. It kind of really sucks.

This sort of rule that I’m talking about probably isn’t always true and probably doesn’t just work that simply.
I know I don’t enjoy or want to be in more uncomfortable dissonant situations with Kayla, and I don’t think that just being bombarded with fear and discomfort to the point that it’s nearly impossible to take just so you can pop out the other end excited and burning with passion and aliveness is a very sustainable relationship model.
But I do have to say, I’m curious about this strange idea and feel like it’s worth contemplating.

I often feel as though most things, if not everything, are just a microcosmic reflection of the infinite back and forth polarity engine that fuels the churning of existence. I don’t believe there would be a universe if love was not accompanied by, probably, an equal amount of fear to dance with, and if we want to keep existing, then that dance has to be felt in us one way or another.

We, and all our relationships, and everything we do are little micro-polarity engines keeping it all together and going, and highly attached relationships can be such a clear reflection of how The Game plays itself and how we’ll probably just be here forever feeling the highs and lows and in-betweens, but always flowing, shifting, changing into the next thing and the next thing and the next thing.

And that’s all a lot to have weighing on yourself, so that’s why we don’t do psychedelics, and we just stay dumb apes that have lost all our memory and create a sense of safety and coherent reality so that we don’t have to see what’s really going on.

Whenever I meet The Truth and my Infinite Self, I remember why I chose to forget, and say, “slap me on a meat suit and send me straight to Earth, Baby! I don’t even give a shit what happens. Randomize my avatar, I’ll be born in an impoverished country. Whatever. No big deal, just get me as far away from my unlimited eternal self as you can get me. Give me the biggest fuckin ego this planet has ever seen so I’m too dumb to explore spirituality this time around.”

Okay. Maybe that got a little heavy, idk.

I’m ending it here and going to get some cuddles and sleep.

If you read all this, I’m grateful and slightly confused.

I’d love it if you left a comment letting me know if you actually read through it all, and I’d be extra appreciative if you felt like sharing any interests or inspirations you’ve felt reading this post or any of my posts in general.

Have a great night!!!

6/23/2022

9:30 pm

Everything is pretty quiet.
It’s been a nice peaceful day.
I don’t have much coming up for me to write about, so I’ll just share the last piece of creative writing I wrote a couple months ago.

~

6/22/22

10 PM

I feel like I’m growing and learning more about myself being in a relationship with Kayla than probably any other partner, which is surprising and unexpected for me. She’s so loving and into me and wants to be with me for a long time, more so than I’ve felt from anyone in around 7 years. It seems like whether the relationship lasts is mostly up to me, which can feel a little unsettling sometimes. Sometimes I feel like there can be an unhealthy power dynamic in my favor, and I’m trying really hard to not use it and to be fair and empathetic.

Some common emotional themes I feel in myself in a relationship are pressure, lack of freedom, and longing to work more on myself and my goals. I often wonder if these are a sign of an immature psyche and they just need to be recognized and worked on, or if they are my soul calling out to me, and that I, and some others of us on this planet, are just created with different agendas than to fall in love and be in a romantic relationship.
But when I’m not in a relationship, I also feel a longing to be in one and that something is missing. I imagine that I’ll just have a bit of longing and dissatisfaction either way and since I’m already in a relationship, I may as well just flow with this.

I feel bad because I’m not great at always reassuring Kayla when she needs it because I’m really unsure myself about what I ultimately want and what’s best for me, and I question whether it’s good for me to be with someone who is sure about what she wants in a relationship when I’m questioning what would be best for me.

I’m sure that I want to be with Kayla, I just need a supportive environment, community, and adventure. Kayla wants all those things too, so I’m hopeful about our future.

Yesterday, for my 7th blog post, I posted a link to it publically on Facebook and told Kayla about it today. She said that she’s worried that her husband, who she’s in the middle of a divorce with, will read my posts. So I, without almost any hesitation, made the post private so only I can see it to help ease her. I just sort of complied with her desire, and I feel slightly worried about it.

For my 6th blog post, she read it and asked me to correct something in the writing about what she was trying to get across; she thought that the way I worded it was out of integrity. I didn’t think it was out of integrity, and I was starting to get a little triggered about her persistence about it. I felt like my expressive outlet was being judged and I didn’t like the idea of her being able to just tell me she wants it different and influence my sacred outlet. I felt like it would be more out of integrity for me to edit my post, so I told her I wasn’t going to change it.

It was bothering her a lot for the next day or 2, so I finally gave in and changed the wording of the post.
Usually, when she asks a request of me that I’m not fully on board with, there is resistance and I’m often a “no”, and being asked to change makes me want to run back to being alone the way that I’m used to and not have to compromise for someone else. Then the request slowly grows on me, my resistance softens, and I usually will end up making the change for her. I just have to go through the initial shock and rebellion first.

Part of me thinks that this is growth, and I’m experiencing becoming less selfish, more thoughtful, and at the same time, part of me thinks this is deprivation of my soul, and I’m just allowing myself to merge and melt with the thing that isn’t me, which I try to suggest to myself that that’s the ultimate spiritual reality. Merge with your enemy. Let it overcome you and destroy you until there’s nothing left but unification. Give up on your stupid personality and desires and let the Universe have its way with you. It’s already happening anyway. You’re just fighting the inevitable. So let this be your practice into the beautiful horror of self-annihilation that will set you free.

But the human in me wants to reject it so much. “Fuck you! I’m not merging with shit! I want to do the things that I want! Fuck washing my hands for you! Fuck changing my expressive outlet for you! Fuck complying! I want my blog to be seen! I want your husband to be able to read this if he wants! Telling me to hide MY blog and MY thoughts from the world!? I’d rather die! I may as well just be dead!!!”

That’s all a little dramatic, but some part of me loved expressing it.
And instead of having any kind of outrage like that, I just suppressed my emotions a tiny bit and said “ok.”

I’m feeling pretty satisfied and complete right now.

I love Kayla and want to continue being in a relationship with her.

Write to you tomorrow ❤

6/19/22
11:30 pm

I just got home with Kayla from hanging out with some of her friends that invited us over for dinner. They made vegan nachos, and I ate a lot. They invited us a bit last minute. I wanted to hang out with them, and I knew if I did, I would eat the nachos. I’m trying to stay raw, but it’s really difficult when an opportunity to connect with friends comes up because I’ll almost always choose connection over any other goals I have in place.
Obviously, I could have just gone over there and spent time with everyone without eating cooked food, but when my girlfriend and all the friends around me are indulging and connecting over the food, I want to be a part of that experience too.

I have a calendar tracking the days when I eat raw and when I eat cooked. I put a checkmark on the days that I eat raw, and an X on the days I eat cooked. So I get another big X for the 3rd day in a row this month.
It feels a little sad because I wasn’t even craving cooked food. I could have easily gone the rest of the night eating light.

It’s also almost midnight, and I get up at 6am to go do Amazon deliveries at 8am for 10 hours in the summer sun, and I’m sure I won’t be feeling hydrated or rested or clean on the inside when I get up. I get more sluggish and sweat more and just feel more trashy overall when I eat heavy foods before bed.

Although I don’t thoroughly enjoy my job, I do feel a lot of gratitude that I don’t have someone managing me and looking over my shoulder all day and that I can listen to inspiring audiobooks and podcasts while I’m driving and getting paid.

I’m tired and concerned about the lack of sleep I’ll get tonight. I just want to be consistent with this blog. I keep trying to tell myself that I’m just doing this for myself and it doesn’t matter if anyone is into it or just thinks it’s boring, but I still always have this desire come up to make it impactful and entertaining.

It feels like a weak-ass post tonight, but at least I’m being consistent.

Goodnight.

6/18/22

6 pm

My energy and attention are frantic in this moment.
Wanting to write this post while also eating a hyper-stimulating salad that I just want to shove in my mouth and a cat that is meowing and crawling all over me for attention.

I work tomorrow, which always makes me feel anxious about time and how I never have enough to do all the things I want and also have time to relax.
At the same time, I’m getting messages from one of the main organizers of The Woodstock Fruit Festival asking me about food logistics because I’m going to be a team manager at the festival.
I don’t want to look at them yet.

I’ve been trying to eat as raw as possible since the start of June. I had 3 days at the beginning of the month that I had some cooked food, but the rest of the month has been going well until last night.

Kayla and I went out to a restaurant for alcoholic drinks, and then we ended up ordering french fries. Then we got up early with not much sleep to go kayaking with some friends, which was a really beautiful time, but I definitely felt rough getting up this morning. Kayla wanted coffee, so ended up getting a matcha latte, which right away in the morning broke the raw food commitment for that day, and when that happens, my brain says, “well since we already had junk today, we may as well continue consuming more junk and just start over tomorrow.” So I also ate some of the things my friends were snacking on, like chocolate, Oreos, carrots with vegan ranch, and overnight oats.

Even though I feel like I’m trashing my body a bit, the day was really nice, and floating down the river was serene and reminded me of how much I need those beautiful nature experiences. My physical heart felt so peaceful, which usually hasn’t been the case in the last year and a half.

I had my first and only Ayahuasca ceremony a little over a year ago, which was the most traumatic experience of my life, and I believe that I likely had a heart attack during the trip because I’ve been experiencing what seem to be post-heart attack symptoms in my heart and down my left arm to my fingertips after the ceremony. It’s healed a lot since it happened, and right now it’s the most normal that it’s felt since then, but I still notice the weakness sometimes, especially when I ingest stimulants like caffeine or other psychedelics like mushrooms or LSD.

Being on the river, I thought about how I want to have these kinds of experiences with a child of mine if I ever have one. Most of us that are uninspired and caught in the rat race really could just use more awe-filled moments in nature.
Before heading out to the river, I contemplated whether I might feel like I could spend my time better by studying more about becoming a life coach, keeping up with my workouts, or anything that sounds more productive the just floating on some water, but actually, floating on that water with people I love was so precious, and those are the kinds of experiences I want out of life. I’m mostly trying to be productive so that I can do more of what I did today, and today was such a magical reminder of that.
It’s also the kind of activity that helps me feel like I’m bonding more with Kayla, and helps me look at her with so much more gratitude and beauty and passion.

I feel exhausted from the day, and a little mush-brained, so I’m ending it here.

Wishing you inspiration and awe.
–H